13 Types of Queers That Make Online Dating Exhausting

Let me preface this by saying: this isn’t shade, it’s catharsis. I believe most of us — whether lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, demisexual, or simply vaguely queer and vibing — are doing our best. I also believe that some of us are... not.

Sometimes, online dating as a queer woman feels like navigating a jungle with no map, no machete, and someone yelling “hey babe 😉” from the trees every 90 seconds. So, in the spirit of shared exhaustion and mild (loving) chaos, here’s my personal taxonomy of queer dating app archetypes that have made me want to delete the apps, move into a queer commune, and write slow-burn fanfic by candlelight.

1. 🧍♀️ The One-Word Wonder

Somehow always “down to chat” in her bio but speaks with the same emotional range as a moss-covered stone. You end up carrying the entire conversation like a team of ants dragging a watermelon.

2. 🙃 The Bored (But Not Curious) Straight Girl

No hate to people exploring their sexuality — that’s real, and valid. This one’s different. She’s just here for the compliments or to spice up her relationship with Kyle. And it shows.

3. 🦄 The Unicorn Hunters

Straight-passing couples who treat queer women like accessories. They’re not looking for a relationship — they’re looking for a fantasy. And unfortunately, you’re cast as the magical prop. You deserve better.

4. 🐷 The Pig Butchering Romance Scam

This one lovebombs you fast. Beautiful. Successful. Overseas. “Confidential mission.” Then comes the ask: money. Crypto. A business opportunity. It's a scam — block and report. No one on a military assignment needs your Steam gift card.

5. 🫢 The “Best Friend” Is Actually Her Fiancée

She's sweet and affectionate — and also whispering because her “roommate” is actually her long-term partner. You were the side story. She was never single.

6. 🧠 The Ghost Philosopher

Her bio is poetic. Her mind is vast. Her reply rate is nonexistent. She was never meant to be real — just a mirage with Wi-Fi.

7. 🤖 The AI-Generated Queer

Every message feels like it was written by ChatGPT on a low battery. “Cool :)” is her love language. Emotionally vacant. Possibly an actual bot. Possibly just someone who’s deeply burnt out.

8. 🧠 The Conversion Therapy Dick Surprise

You thought she was a late bloomer. Turns out she’s a missionary. Sends you “testimonies” about finding God through men. Blocks you when you won’t watch a three-hour YouTube sermon. It’s giving trauma, not romance.

9. 🌱 The Late Bloomer Who Never Blooms

She’s healing. And healing. And healing. You're the emotional crutch. The queer fairy godmother. The unpaid therapist. The actual relationship? It never starts — just an endless warm-up act for someone else’s future girlfriend.

10. 🧢 The Undercover TERF (or Trump Voter “But Just That Once”)

She seems woke… until she drops “biological sex” in a weird tone or casually mentions she “used to be conservative” in a “just curious” way. This one’s a walking boundary test. You are not a political thought experiment.

11. 🐶 The “I Hate Animals” Queer

If you boldly declare “I hate animals” in your profile… I’m sorry but that’s a red flag. If Tri-chan the winged triceratops plushie wouldn’t trust you, neither do I.

12. 🕰️ The “Remember Me?” Reappearing Act

She ghosted you last spring. Now it’s 2:42am on a Tuesday and she’s back: “Heyyy, remember me? Been sooo busy lol.” No thanks. I’ve healed. You should try it too.

13. 📲 The “Always Online” Queers (But Never Actually Available)

She’s over 40, always on the apps, and always “looking.” But what she’s looking for is... undefined. Fresh out of a 20-year relationship. Suddenly exploring poly. Or deeply committed to her own solitude. She matches but rarely meets. Chats but rarely commits. The emotional energy? MIA.

📅 Next queer dating mixer:
30 October, Glasgow
🎟️ Book your spot now — and meet some actually lovely humans IRL.

With love and awkward eye contact,
Michelle 💘
+ Tri-chan 🦖 your queer dino wing-being