Three days after my most recent queer dating event, I find myself in reflection. Some attendees made beautiful connections sparks, dates, maybe even the beginning of something. Others left with nothing but the ache of unmet hope. And I felt it all.

This reminds me of my transition in Kendo from competitor to coach. As a competitor, you carry the pressure and possibility yourself. As a coach, your wins and losses are felt through others. You become a witness to both the triumph and the tenderness.

That’s what it’s like running these dating mixers now. I used to attend them hoping to find love. Now I run them hoping others do. And when someone doesn’t find what they were looking for, I feel the ache beside them.

Helping Someone Show Up with Courage

Before this recent event, I was coaching someone; someone beautiful, brave, and real. She’d been hurt before and was scared. We set goals that were within her control: to stay grounded, to be kind to herself, to show up.

We rehearsed calming phrases she could whisper to herself. We visualised the night ahead; the nerves, the joy, the awkwardness and practiced a centering breath I’ve borrowed from Aikido:

• Inhale for 6
• Hold for 2
• Exhale for 7
• Hold for 2
• Repeat

That breath helped her when she felt intimidated by all the good looking women around. It reminded her: she matters. She belongs. She deserves to take up space.

She didn’t get the matches she wanted. And she was hurt. But I am so incredibly proud of her. For showing up. For staying with her discomfort. For daring to be seen.

Rejection Hurts So Let It Hurt (Then Move)

To everyone who has been rejected, this is for you and I. I believe in honouring the sadness. Not sugarcoating it. Not rushing it. You hoped for connection and you didn’t get it. That hurts.

Let yourself feel it. Cry if you need to. And then gently remind yourself that the pain doesn’t mean you’re unworthy.

Sometimes, when we’re feeling low, our brains can get mean. They whisper things like, “See? You’re unlovable. This proves it.” That voice might sound convincing, but it’s a lie. It’s what psychologists call a cognitive distortion a mental habit where we take a painful moment and twist it into a cruel story about who we are.

It doesn’t reflect the truth. The truth is: love is difficult. It’s random. It’s often unfair. And yes, sometimes it’s full of ghosters (peh peh peh!). But that doesn’t make you the problem.

What matters is that you showed up.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the person who points out how the strong stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the one who is actually in the arena… who errs, who comes short again and again… but who actually strives to do the deeds… who, at the worst, if they fail, at least fails while daring greatly.”

You were in the arena. That matters more than you know.

How to Regroup After Rejection

Here’s what I recommend when the post dating event sadness hits:

• Go outside touch grass, see the sky, breathe fresh air
• Reach out to a friend who reminds you of your worth
• Do something for yourself: cook, dance, nap, sing, stretch
• Watch something silly, or nourishing, or both (I have watched mean girls more than 7 times at this point!)

And when you’re ready, remember: you get to try again. Love doesn’t come with guarantees, but it does come more often to those who keep showing up.

Join the Next Queer Dating Mixer in Glasgow

Ready to step into the arena again? Or for the first time?

Our next Queer Dating Mixer is on Thursday, 7th August 2025 in Glasgow. The location will be sent to ticket holders. Limited spaces available.

Click here to get your ticket →

If you’re nervous, that’s okay. We’ve got your back. And if you want help preparing, stay tuned I’m publishing a separate post soon about how to mentally and emotionally prepare for a dating mixer.

Love, Michelle 🌈