Grieving the Man You Didn’t Love Like That

Sometimes the hardest heartbreak isn’t from a toxic ex or a big messy breakup. It’s from leaving someone kind. Familiar. Safe.

For many late-blooming queer women, that person is a long-term male partner. Maybe you were with him for 10, 20, 30 years. Maybe you raised kids together. Maybe you were even best friends.

But you weren’t sexually or romantically aligned. And you stayed. Because it was what made sense at the time. Because there was love — just not that kind.

This grief is real. Even if the love was never quite right.

Leaving someone after so many years, even for the right reasons, can feel like tearing out a part of yourself. The emotional muscle memory is still there — and now you’re trying to rewire everything at once.

You might not have had a passionate connection. But there were routines, shared memories, private jokes, familiar silences. That kind of intimacy doesn’t vanish just because your truth surfaced.

You're not confused. You're courageous.

It takes courage to say: “I want more. I want to love fully — not just function alongside someone.”

And it also takes courage to grieve that loss without minimising it. You can honour the relationship for what it gave you and still know you deserve something different.

Dating again as your whole self is not for the faint of heart

You’re older now. Wiser. But maybe also tender. You’re stepping into the queer world for the first time — and it's exhilarating, but also disorienting.

The apps are exhausting. The expectations feel unclear. You might be wondering if it's too late to find your people, or if you’re somehow behind.

You’re not. You’re blooming, at exactly your own pace.

What helps — or at least doesn’t hurt

Give yourself time to mourn: Yes, even if no one else gets it. You’re allowed to feel gutted.
Set gentle boundaries: You don’t need to stay close just to prove you’re evolved.
Make space for discovery: Read queer books. Go to events. Try new things. Rebuild your inner world.
Connect with others on the same path: You’re not the only one making this kind of leap.

Resources worth bookmarking

🫂 Late Bloomer Lesbians on Reddit
🏳️🌈 LGBTQIA+ Women Over 40 Facebook Group
🧶 Switchboard LGBT+ Helpline UK
🐌 Our Rainbow Hearts Queer Events & Card Decks

One last thing

Letting go of someone who wasn’t your match — but was your companion — is an act of love. For them. And for you.

You deserve to be touched the way you want. Seen the way you long to be seen. Loved in a way that doesn’t require explanation.

This isn’t the end of your story. It’s the beginning of the chapter where you finally get to be the main character.

With softness (and awkward eye contact),
Michelle 💘
+ Tri-chan 🦖 your queer wing-triceratops

💌 Want to meet other queer women in real life?

📅 Our next dating mixer:
30 October 2025 — Glasgow
🎟️ Book your ticket here